This week was among the toughest of weeks for me, spiritually and mentally. Within the past month, I found myself at peace with the order in which my life was going. I had a pretty clear idea (and a hunch) of what God had in store for me…at least, I did. He evidently had other plans that I did not see coming, and on a bigger scale than I initially anticipated. These things left me very confused and hurt. Thoughts of inadequacy began to surface and communicating with God seemed too difficult.
But, the week eventually got better, just like it always does. Each time I tried to pull away from God because of hurt due to my lack of wholly surrendering my life to His divine will, the more evident His goodness prevailed later. Despite the hurt I deeply felt, I experienced (and continue to experience) God pursuing me like never before. Cue “Wherever You Go”.
I know it’ll take time until I fully detox my mind from my on and off bouts of pessimistic thinking, but the greatest blessing through all of this is having wonderful people to talk to, to keep my heart focused and guarded, and to remember God has something better for me. Excitement for what God will reveal next (now that I don’t have the slightest idea of what that may be) lies deep, deep down inside. I’m working on bringing that to the surface.
“But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” — James 1:4
“Patience is more than endurance. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says — ‘I cannot stand any more.’ God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God’s hands. Maintain your relationship with Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. ‘Though He slay me, yet I will wait for Him.'” – Oswald Chambers
And that leads me to my next thought process…
Every time this 13th day of May rolls around, I can’t help but think, “Yay, my name feast day!” My mind also refers back to the few days I spent in Fatima, Portugal on pilgrimage last year. I just read over what I wrote in the journal I used at that time to try to help me recall different things. And of course, I get reminders like these:
I really had no idea what to expect or what God had in store for me here. Though I my not know (yet) where the Lord is calling me to, I still have peace in my heart and an ever-growing childlike faith/trust in His plans. The three shepherd children (Lucia, Jacinta, and Francisco) helped me in so many ways already, with that trust, and it’s amazing how quickly the Lord works! I’ve been praying harder for this childlike faith through the intercessions of the three children and I’m beginning to see the fruit produced from such prayers. These children… they’re so young. Yet, so faithful. So trusting in our God.
He loves me and knows me incredibly well. He knows what may be weighing on my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my desires. He knows my every step and every decision. He knows everything and more. He also wants what is best for me. This includes giving Him the pen. If He knows me better than I know myself, why do I give Him a hard time trusting Him?
It’s time I break habits of old and give the Lord the pen without trying to be an editor. I must decide to take a step back and let Him do what He does best.
Now, how do I go about in this? The Blessed Mother reiterated it every single day here and as far as I can remember from my childhood – praying.
God is so good.
Lastly, my little heart can’t help but smile at how Mother’s Day this year falls on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima, a very special day to me. It’s such a great reminder of how incredibly blessed I am to have been given by the Lord such an extraordinary mother here on this earth and the Blessed Mother in Heaven.
Mom, I remember you praying with me in Fatima: “Mama, take care of us.” I’m so certain that she is/will. Thank you for always bringing me closer and closer to the Lord through our Mama. I love you and am very grateful for you.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. You are so loved and treasured. What a gift you are to this world!