I find it funny how God works quickly at times. Lots have happened this month and last, and I’m not quite sure where to begin or how to go about in explaining what has been on my heart in a single post. I’ve had different discernments where God made His plans clearer than ever and I took action in those plans right away, with complete trust. I started a new job as Coordinator of Youth Ministry at St. Agnes Parish in Arlington; that’s going pretty well. I lost my dear Grandmother in the latter part of September, which was really hard for my whole family. But through Christ’s strength and sharing in His (and the Blessed Mother’s) sufferings, I’ve been able to keep marching on through life courageously with great vigor in living a faith-filled life on earth while being reminded of the new life we are given in the Risen Christ. In the midst of hardships and a season of transition, there are moments where I feel distant from the Lord, yet I also feel closer than ever before. It’s an interesting series of events and there is a sense of newness in my meditation of God’s timing during this journey onward.
Like I said, it’s funny how God can work so quickly. But man, God also works oh, so slowly. Like right now.
These past few weeks I’ve had my share of highs and lows, as you can tell from what was previously mentioned. Those lows included doubts and thoughts of inadequacy, among other things. The rush after each high was short-lived. In those periods I was just kinda “there,” stuck. Stuck in the middle of how happy I would’ve been and how I felt at the moment. And I know love isn’t a feeling, but that’s quite honestly where I was at. I made the effort in putting myself before the Blessed Sacrament daily, with utmost reverence and full recognition that He is truly present — I’ve never lost sight of that or the faith I possess when my human senses fail me. But there were also moments where I felt and/or heard nothing while being with Him. Now reflecting back at those moments, I could understand as to why I felt that way. Perhaps God is moving in the depths of my heart, in complete silence, without me being aware. Maybe I’m not putting myself in enough silence to hear His voice. Speaking as a weak human being, sometimes it’s just too quiet for my comfort. And also, the more I visit Him at the Adoration Chapel, the more routinely it can become, to be completely honest. I want the certainty of His love for me through His voice, but that doesn’t always happen. He doesn’t have to tell me every single moment because of the Truth that He is love. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit –– three Persons in one God –– are the result of love exchanged (love given, love received, love returned). This is one of the great mysteries of our faith. We were created by love, for love…which explains our heart’s restlessness here on earth. Nothing can fill us completely. Only God can.
After some time, you reach the point where you discover what He’s trying to tell you (at least that’s how it happened for me). And this can be best summarized in a quote from an old friend of mine: “Incredible how God reveals Himself slowly and gently so as not to shock His creatures with His glory.” Bam.
Sometimes it’s hard to feel Him, even though I know He’s right in front of me. Sometimes it’s hard to see Him, even when I’m near Him. And it’s also hard to hear Him, especially when He speaks so softly. So as you continue to experience this ongoing “routine of things,” your thought process eventually progresses in realizing that if God ever revealed to you just how much He loves you, then… who knows what would in the world would happen!
There is simply no way possible for us to wrap our head around how much He loves us because it is just that immense; so immense that “immense” doesn’t give justice to the amount of love He has for us, the love that God is to us.
Why do these moments occur? I believe it’s because I allowed Him into my heart. He loves in such a way where He would never force Himself into anyone’s heart. He, out of pure love, gave us that free will to do so and longs for us to respond back with a love freely given. So after letting go and allowing the Lord take the reins of my life, I now believe He gives me moments such as these to remind me of my perpetual yearning for Him, despite my struggles in apprehending His presence each time I come to Him.
This yearning is a constant reminder of the eternal home we are all called to in Heaven. Each of us is called to keep the faith burning (or to reignite the faith) in our heart through a never-ending quench that is to be satisfied by His immense love and His love alone, which He gives us glimpses of throughout our entire life on earth… sometimes quickly (when necessary), but almost always…slowly.
“My faith is not a fire
As much as it’s a glow
A little burning ember
In my weary soul
And it’s not too much
It’s just enough to get me home
Because your love moves slow
Yeah, your love moves slow
So I move slow
Because you move slow
Love moves slow
Let’s move slow.”
And a special thank you to Audrey Assad for articulating the words I’m experiencing right now through this song.
In Christ’s peace,